Saturday, September 28, 2013

One On One With A Band Of Orcs


Somewhere in Santa Cruz, CA ...deep inside a hidden underground lair, SouthSide's being held captive by a group of fierce war-like mercenaries known as A Band of Orcs who demand of a hefty ransom for her safe return back to Chicago's local scene, blogspot readers. So while waiting for a knight in shining armor to come to her rescue, this reviewer was granted an in depth interview with this thrash metal band in hopes of discovering their plans for the mortal human race, their tour, what does on in Orc daily life and much more...

SouthSide: How would you describe A Band Of Orcs in five (5) words or less? And why did you choose those particular words to describe the band?

Gronk!: A Band of Orcs, 'nuff said.

Gogog: Cuz it's true ungreen human. Unlike human scum politicians, I, Gogog Leeeedeeeeeeder would never lie to you, ahahahhahaha.

SouthSide: Care to dispel critics' comments that A Band of Orcs is a "gimmick: band?

Cretos: Not exist anymore. We destroy Gimmik tribe long ago in Himtodia. Now them ashes and dust on the Plains of Chuuurl, hehehehe.

All: Laughter

Gogog: Yes, we destroyed Gimmik Tribe, took all their water and gold and fed the survivors to the flames of Gozoroth.

Gronk!: Hall Gzoroth!!!

All: Hail Gzoroth

Hulg: Gimmik Tribe braiiiins taste bad. Give Hulg indignation.

SouthSide: How is the human known as Jed doing these days? And does he assist The Orcs with songwriting skills? If he's not assisting with songwriting, who pens the tales about The Orcs' albums?

Gronk!: Jed never assist song writing, only teaches orcses instrument playing. Him spread and set free oRc Tower now into humie world for proselytize the wicked on orc behalf. All ussess assist in tale-telling and hymn-making.

SouthSide: Is there any particular song or group of songs in which people not familiar with A Band of Orcs should listen to? In your opinion, do they clearly represent who and/or what The Orcs are about?

Gronk!: All oRc song represent Tribe or would not be song by A Band of Orcs ...even cover songs. Listen all, be spared!

Gogog: No! All humans must listen to "I, Gogog," my favorite song.

SouthSide: If possible (one day) is there a metal band (indie or mainstream) The Orcs would like to collaborate with and why?

Hulg: No.

Cretos: Hulg kidding, of course we spare any band want to wORC with oRc so long as they not suck.

Gogog: There's a not-metal band we'd like to craft songs of victory and doom with, the Midnight Syndicate.

Gronk! Yes, yes, them scary and usses scary too, so perfect scary alchemy to melt your brain.

SouthSide: Briefly, could you describe what life if is like as a member of The Gore Stained Axe Tribe.

Hulg: We slaughter everything. Add heads to piles after I finish crunching their brains.

Cretos: Pretty much

Gogog: Yes, we add many heads to the pile, daily.

Gronk!: Hail Gzoroth!

All: Hail Gzoroth!!!

SouthSide: Heard you're a hired mercenary force, care to boast about the victories won? On the flipside, have The Orcs lost any battles against marauding Giants and minions?

Gogog: there's that one time when I beheaded the Firelord, yes. Here's a verse from that tale, "Fall of the Firelord":
On we've pushed through earth and ice
Grim with determined strength
To break the geas and free our cursed fate
To clash against the Giant King
The Lord of Fire and Stone
In magma hails burning red with hate
Armored in black, with sword of flames
He sits on an Onyx throne
In Obsidian halls we battle to our fate
I spit upon your iron crown
I challenge you to fight!
This paragon of rage you can't defeat.

SouthSide: When not plundering defenseless lands and/or recruiting new slave girls, what else do The Orcs do for fun?

Gronk! Same, same. Orc fun and orc business the same.

SouthSide: What do The Orcs like to eat? Favorite beer?

Hulg: Brains and about to be dead things. Rockstar energy drinks. Taste closest to Hulg favorite ale fermented brainz

Gogog: Water is Gogog's favorite beer, ahahahhaha, fluoridated water...we don't have that in Himtodia. Your human water messes Gogog up good.

Gronk!: Filet o'Unicorn, ahahhaha, prepared in Himtodian BBQ style by Oog.

Cretos: Yea!

SouthSide: During your journey at Mojoes, what kind of show should metal fans expect from The Orcs?

Gogog: Fans should ask not what to expect of oRcs, but what oRcs should expect of their fans, ahhahahhaah!!!!

All: *laughter*

Gogog: We expect to see circle pits, little maelstroms.

Gronk!: Yes, create the Vortex lead to great Gzoroth.

All: Hail Gzoroth!!!!

SouthSide: Besides the music, in your opinion what is the main reason you can attribute the horde of fans returning for more of The Orcs?

Cretos: Fan return cuz Ugly is Sexy, Cretos sexiest orc, ehehhehehehhe!!! Take all your soulos, ahahahahha!

SouthSide: BTW how is the horde's response to your net fundraising efforts for your tour? What is some of the booty can they receive for contributing to your tour war chest?

Gogog: The first phase went well enough to get our merch for the road ordered, we have launched phase 2 of the war plans to fund our Battle Wagon. Humans here can be spared by pledging to support HERE:

SouthSide: Now that The Orcs have mastered metal music, is there anything else you want to conquer in this mortal world?

Hulg: Hulg want to devour more brains and make hot smart. Make new weapons for orcs for playing metal music. Guitars and amps. Hulg want to master amps, the things that kill Hulg originally.

Gogog: I, Gogog, will master the human race, ahahahhaah!!!!

Gronk!: One day you all call usses master and kneel before Gronk!

Cretos: Cretos conquer all unfukable solos, hail Gzoroth!!!

All: Hail Gzoroth!!!!

Oog: Oog smash now?

SouthSide: Is it true the mortal world is closer to the day of the glorious and prophesied Domination? At any point during your shows, have your ever awaken your unholy god Great Gzoroth the Dragon of Fire and Chaos?

Gronk!: Yes, true true, Domination just a heart beat away...but no, Gzoroth not wake up yet. Him sleep very heavy.

Gogog: You see, we have not created a stadium-sized maelstrom, a spinning vortex if you will, large enough to awaken great Gzoroth. He has a case of cosmic narcolepsy, ahahhahah.

All: Hail Gzoroth!!!!

SouthSide: What other ambitious plans do A Band of Orcs have in store for us mere mortals as 2013 comes to rapid close? Or is that a secret?

Hulg: Does any army discuss their plans with possible enemies. Must keep plans secret.

Gogog: True, Hulg, we will not discuss our battle plans, but you can bet your double-bladed Axe that we'll be working on new material for our next collection of metal tales and planning the next assault for 2014.

SouthSide: Lastly, any final words A Band of Orcs would like to bestow upon their horde fans?

Gogog: Come see the most epic auditory raid of your lifetime when we slay with Gwar, White Chapel and Iron Reagan on the Madness at the Core of Time Tour, October 2 - November 17th. We'll also be performing some headlining raids on the way to meeting up with the tour, on some offdates, and on the way back to our Lair in the Santa Cruz Mountains.

Gronk!: Hail Gzoroth!!!

All: Hail Gzoroth!!!

Oog: Smash now?

Gogog: Yes, Oog now...smash now!

For any information about A Band or Orcs and tour information, visit

Until next time, support your local scene,

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